Some time ago, I wrote an article about open relationships in Tantra. LINK
Like you, I am on a spiritual path, growing, evolving, and changing every day. Sometimes, I find that I need to take three steps back to move ten steps forward. This is why I feel the urge to deepen this topic with my reflections and personal experience.
In Tantra, much is said about how opening oneself to intimate relationships with others—even while in a committed partnership—gives us a chance for growth, to transcend the ego, let go of possessiveness, and free ourselves from jealousy. This is why there is often a tendency to invite others into relationships with the aim of spiritually elevating both the relationship and ourselves. I wonder, though, if this is truly the right path, the right approach.
As I explored this idea myself, I concluded that it is not my path—I don’t feel it. Personally, I am in a monogamous, Tantric relationship. Yes, these two aspects—monogamy and Tantra—are not at odds. I see the development of my relationship in other ways. I don’t see a need to open this relationship or grant each other permission to be intimate with others in order to progress spiritually. Of course, if my partner in the future decides that he feels differently, I have no control over that. However, I do have control over what I desire and over preserving this love in the form that my heart feels.
Let us consider this from a different perspective. What does loyalty and commitment to one person—the person we love—really mean? Being loyal and committed involves resisting many temptations, which is no small feat in today’s world. Doesn’t this require great willpower, overcoming weaknesses, and taming our ego, which constantly craves novelty? Isn’t this a form of spiritual development?
The new will always seem better. A different touch, a different scent, different experiences, different sensations—all of these can appear more attractive. Novelty in intimate relationships raises our happiness hormones, increases adrenaline, excites us, and puts us on a high. Our ego loves novelty, play, and change. In hatha yoga practice, we say that if you struggle to stay in one position for a long time and your body demands change, it is your “monkey mind” throwing you off concentration. The same thing happens in meditation—it is hard not to think because our brain craves the entertainment of thoughts and action. And it is similar in love relationships. It is difficult to create lasting, meaningful, and deep connections because we are drawn to what’s new.
In summary, on the spiritual path—while we practice yoga, meditation, or breathwork—pausing, letting go, and cultivating mental quiet is crucial. So why, in love relationships, would we throw ourselves into something new to grow spiritually?
If we choose loyalty and commitment, don’t we also grow spiritually? Don’t we deepen the relationship? Isn’t the pursuit of novelty and freshness within a committed relationship an even greater challenge than confronting jealousy in an open relationship?
Life is full of challenges and difficulties already. There are plenty of situations and opportunities to confront feelings of jealousy and the urge to possess another person. Must these situations be rooted in opening ourselves to intimate relationships with others in order to reflect and transform jealousy? Do we need to take things to such extremes to elevate our spirituality and, as people now say, “abandon the ego”? What does polyamory or an open relationship truly offer?
I once heard that opening oneself to intimate relationships with others, while being in a committed relationship, allows us to “cultivate” unconditional love without attachment and possessiveness, giving freedom to ourselves and the other person. But is not love just love? What does unconditional or conditional love even mean? Do we need to categorize love?
What’s not often discussed is the pain and energetic chaos that polyamory and open relationships may bring. I have witnessed many such situations and experienced some myself. This raises the question: when we love with pure love, do we want to cause pain to the person we love? On the other hand, some might say that pain and confrontation develop, shape, and strengthen us. Others may argue that with open communication, such an experience—a love in treesome, foursome—can be transformative and harmonious. But as humans, can we truly predict how we will feel when it actually happens? When our partner experiences divine ecstasy in the arms of another? Can transparent communication beforehand prevent the pain and wounds that might arise?
Moreover, does love need categorization or upgrading for us to say it is unconditional and that we can truly love? Love is one; it does not need levels. Love does not need training, exercises, or strategies. It flows like a river. When we forcefully try to change its course or widen its bed, we become intruders, interfering with its true nature. True love cannot be modified, improved, or freed from conditions. It simply is.
For many, polyamory in Tantra is very appealing and attracts them because it offers permission and justification for open relationships and a richer sexual life.
As many people are drawn to this, just as many may feel it is not the path for them, believing in monogamy and growth as a couple alone.
In conclusion, I would like to emphasize: Tantra is not about polyamory or open relationships. Spiritual development is not a competition; it does not require categorizing or ranking. You are not more or less “tantric” or further along or behind in spiritual development because you are in an open, polyamorous, or monogamous relationship. You already are spirit; you have Divinity within you; you are one with the Universe. Let it flow. Let love flow and always follow your inner wisdom because it is within you. Spiritual development, self-realization, and enlightenment do not happen by racing toward something “better.” Isn’t the act of categorizing as “better” or “worse” just a hobby of our ego?