DOES A TANTRIC RELATIONSHIP HAVE TO BE OPEN?

Unfortunately nowadays, there is so many misconceptions about Tantra. Many people believe that Tantric Relationship has to be open to be Tantric. This is due to the fact that over last few decades Tantra had been reduced to sexuality and misrepresented. Being tantric does not equal sexual openness or frequent changes of partners. On the contrary, in Tantra, sex is the Union of Souls, a Cosmic Unity, Divine Connection.

The answer is:
An open relationship is not tantric by nature and a tantric relationship does not need to be open in order to be tantric. 

WHAT ACTUALLY IS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?

First of all, an open relationship does not mean a lack of rules or that “Heaven can wait”.
An open relationship is the form of non-monogamy relationship, where one principal engaged couple decide to have relationships with other individuals. It is very important to emphasize here that swinging or polyamorism is not an open relationship. Simply, because swingers usually keep their outside relationships only for sexual purposes and polyamorism involve emotional commitment and all the relationships are equal in this settlement. Honestly to say, polyamorism is like emotional Mont Everest, maybe few are able to climb there and not hurt beloved ones on the way and themselves.

In an open relationship, the primary couple always takes precedence over other relationships. Opening up to a new partner in an open relationship involves hierarchy, where the primary partner is always prioritized and the main one.

There are certain conditions that must be met to define a relationship or marriage as open relationship:

1. Both partners are in agreement.
2. Both partners know.
3. Openness is consensual.
4. Both partners are ready.

OPEN RELATIONSHIP MAY LED BOTH TO EMOTIONAL HELL

Whether an open relationship deepens our connection or leads us to hell depends much on why we want to open our relationship and in which circumstances.

Especially, when partners decide to open their relationship, because they are facing some challenges and difficulties, then indeed both can open the gate to the hell.

Deciding to enter a relationship during a crisis, especially when the situation is heated and communication is disrupted, is not the best idea. Such a decision usually comes from desperation, and as we know, making decisions under pressure, negative emotions, or a sense of helplessness never leads to anything good. Opening a relationship to save it, is like sending a leaky boat into a stormy sea. To analyze it even deeper, let us dive into few scenarios:

Scenario # 1: One of the partners had an affair

Opening the relationship in this situation, most likely proposed by the person who was cheated on, may be driven by a desire for revenge and settling scores. The partner who cheated might agree out of guilt. Such an agreement is unlikely to be well-thought-out.

Such a solution might also be suggested by the partner who had an affair, in order to alleviate own guilt and allow the other partner to experience the same.

However, what can happen in such a situation is the continuation of hurting each other and deepening an already exceedingly difficult situation.

Scenario # 2: One Partner is Unsatisfied in the Bedroom

A partner who feels lacking in the sexual area of the relationship might decide to seek fulfillment with another person instead of trying to work on this issue within the existing relationship. They do not want to leave their main partner because they still share a lot, but frustration due to the lack of sexual satisfaction pushes them towards this choice. It is not hard to imagine how difficult the situation is for the other partner, who not only feels rejected but also does not get a chance to improve their sexual life. To avoid losing their partner, they allow them to seek satisfaction in other’s arms. Consequently, this leads to deep suffering, jealousy, and confusion. Ultimately, this situation may end with breaking up. As we know, satisfying sex unites people, and the partner who proposed opening the relationship might simply fall in love with someone else.

Instead of entering such a demanding situation as opening the relationship, the couple can analyze what causes the lack of satisfaction on one side and whether change if possible, or the couple is simply not sexually compatible, which also happens, especially when two people mistake friendship for love. So, before they decide to open the relationship, they should clarify what is the reason of unsatisfaction of one, what can be done and simply decide to end the relationship or work on to make it stronger, before stepping into something that they are both not ready for.

Scenario # 3: Only One Partner Wants to Open the Relationship

This scenario does not require deep analysis. Opening the relationship when the other person is not ready, can only lead to the suffering of both. An open relationship requires agreement and readiness from both partners, and above all, emotional maturity.

Of course, there can be many more scenarios, but my goal was simply to show that opening a relationship only makes sense when the relationship has extraordinarily strong foundations, the partners know how to communicate, both want it, and feel ready for it.

TANTRIC RELATIONSHIP VS. OPEN RELATIONSHIP

I will emphasize again that a tantric relationship is not automatically an open relationship. A tantric couple can decide to have a monogamous relationship forever, and it will still be a tantric relationship. In a tantric relationship, what really matters, is that both partners want to grow spiritually, not how they diversify their sexual life. For a tantric couple, sex is a powerful tool that supports them on their spiritual path to self-realization. Remember that tantric partners do not lose sexual energy; they retain it and transform it to enhance their potential as spiritual beings. For a tantric couple, sex is a connection of souls, Divine and Cosmic Union, and therefore deep and multidimensional. In reality, everything a tantric couple does is aimed at spiritual development, whether it’s marriage, raising children, sex, or career. Therefore, the decision to open the relationship is also multidimensional, and even if tantric partners decide to take this step, the goal remains the same: they want their souls and consciousness to evolve. It is also worth to mention that relationship is not something that defines them, but something that strengthens them and leads them to their true, ultimate nature.

When Does a Tantric Couple Decide to Open Their Relationship?

Only if they both know it will strengthen them, deepen their relationship, and elevate their spiritual development even higher. In Tantra, jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness, and attachment are considered as blockages at the level of the mind and heart and are obstacles on the spiritual path. Aparigraha, one of the principles of yoga and a very important part of tantric practice, means non-attachment and non-possessiveness. For tantric partners, jealousy in love is a lack of ability to overcome the ego. In reality, no one can be our possession. The purest and truest love is love devoid of the desire to possess or control another person. The greatest gift of love is accepting that the person we love is a separate soul, free soul, on their own path, which does not always have to run parallel to ours. This is one of the biggest challenges in Tantra: to love without attachment.

I have dedicated a separate article to this: Love Without Attachment.

Therefore, if a tantric couple decides to open their relationship, their goal is to overcome the ego and purify love from our human weaknesses: attachment, jealousy, possessiveness. An open relationship is an opportunity and a chance for them to tame the ego in their love. Before they decide to let someone else, another soul, enter their relationship, they will make sure that:

• Their relationship is like a deeply rooted tree, stable and solid.
• Both have already achieved a lot on their spiritual path and they still want to evolve and work on themselves.
• They have developed open and honest communication where both can express their feelings without fear.
• Both want their love to deepen and transform.
• Both are willing to discuss and agree „open relationship agreement” that will include the conditions and boundaries they will follow.
• Both are aware of the difficulties and challenges they may face with opening the relationship and decide to support each other through spiritual practice and act from the heart and compassion.
• Both know and feel that they are the most important to each other, and their primary relationship will always remain a priority.

Tantra embraces open relationships, but it does not attribute them with special significance on the tantric path. Whether a tantric couple decides to open their relationship is solely their decision, unrelated to the fundamental principles of Tantra.

Non-tantric couples also decide to open relationships; however, without tantric spiritual tools and practices they may experience the difficulties associated with this emotionally challenging arrangement more acutely.

In both cases, it depends on the spiritual and emotional maturity of the partners, and the best time to open a relationship is when the relationship is at its BEST not its worst.

Of course, the article does not fully cover the topic of open relationships, especially the complex and risky nature of such relationships. Nevertheless, my primary aim was to emphasize the above.